A Year of Silence

It’s been a year of silence. A year since my mom passed away.

It’s been a year of great joy but also a year of incredible heartache that still grabs me at the oddest moments and brings me to my knees. Moments of having to explain to Carter why we can’t go play at Hattie’s house after school and trying to keep myself composed when Nolan points to a picture of me and my mom and says, “Mommy, Hattie!!” clear as day. Moments of driving down the road and having to pull over because the emotion of missing my mom comes over me so hard and fast that it takes my breath away. All of those moments combined and somehow here we are…a year later. There was a time when not posting on the blog for a week felt odd to me and I couldn’t wait to rush back to the computer and write down every single little detail of our life. But then she left us, and the desire to write went right with her. The words weren’t there. The day to day “stuff” just didn’t feel worth mentioning. We’ve definitely had plenty of good times since last September. Holidays, birthdays, celebrations, births and everything in between. I don’t want to give you the impression that I can’t appreciate those moments in life just because of what happened. But the excitement to share, to document, to remember wasn’t there anymore. There was a fog hanging over all of it.

Most days I look like I’ve got it all together. A lot of the times I do feel like I have it all together. But that pain, that intense hurt, that life altering sorrow is always there and it’s been a tough year trying to figure out what normal is now. How to act normal. Some days I don’t cry. Some days I actually am truly happy. It’s an odd thing, to feel happy but still be mourning all at the same time. I don’t know that I will come back to blogging regularly. The desire to document just still isn’t there. But I felt like I owed it to myself to at least check in. To remind myself where I have been and if I do come back to have this post to remind myself why it took so long to find my voice again.

So…all that to say hi. I don’t know if I’m back again or not but thanks for sticking with me. The prayers, emails, texts, and good thoughts have meant a lot over the year. I have made some amazing friendships with people from this little blog world and I am thankful to have all of you in my life.